Understand Relationship Patterns(Pt 2): Withdrawers
Are You a Withdrawer in Your Relationship?
We all play roles in our relationships, especially during conflict. These roles often stem from vulnerabilities and the need to feel safe. If you caught Understand Relationship Patterns (Pt. 1): The Pursuer, you learned about the pursuer role and how their behavior impacts the dynamic. Now, in part two of this series, we’ll explore the withdrawer role—what they feel, why they act the way they do, and how they can work toward change.
What Does It Mean to Be a Withdrawer?
Withdrawers are often partners who cope with conflict or emotional distress by pulling away—staying quiet, avoiding the issue, or physically distancing themselves. This behavior isn’t a lack of care; rather, it’s a way to manage feelings of anxiety, fear, or inadequacy.
Signs You Might Be a Withdrawer:
Do you feel overwhelmed, anxious, or inadequate during conflict?
Do you often think, “I never do the right thing,” or, *“If only they’d stop getting upset, things would be fine”?
Is your instinct to avoid arguments by staying silent, leaving the room, or shutting down?
If these sound familiar, you may be playing the withdrawer role in your relationship.
What’s Really Going On for the Withdrawer?
Withdrawers often feel:
Anxious
Overwhelmed
Helpless
Inadequate
Stuck
For a withdrawer, conflict or emotional intensity can feel like an attack or a test they’re destined to fail. They retreat, hoping to avoid more pain, but this only deepens their partner’s feelings of disconnection.
Why Do Withdrawers Act This Way?
Withdrawers aren’t disengaged; they’re protecting themselves. Often, their withdrawal stems from:
Fear of failure or rejection.
A belief they can’t meet their partner’s expectations.
Emotional overwhelm that leaves them unsure of how to respond.
Their strategy? Stay silent, focus on fixing tasks, or leave the situation entirely. Unfortunately, these behaviors, meant to protect, often amplify the disconnect in the relationship.
Strengths of the Withdrawer
Withdrawers bring unique strengths to relationships:
They’re often calm under pressure.
They’re problem-solvers, focused on finding logical solutions.
Their ability to regulate emotions can help in high-stress situations, whether in relationships, careers, or parenting.
However, this emotional regulation can become avoidance when used as a coping mechanism in relationships.
Where Does This Role Come From?
Withdrawers often learn to pull back in childhood or previous relationships where their emotions weren’t acknowledged or responded to. Over time, they develop a self-reliant coping style, withdrawing to avoid disappointment or vulnerability.
How Does Withdrawing Affect Your Partner?
When withdrawers pull away, their partners—often pursuers—feel:
Rejected
Unimportant
Frustrated
Lonely
This triggers the pursuer’s need to reconnect, which may come across as criticism, demands, or anger. For the withdrawer, this reinforces their sense of inadequacy, prompting them to withdraw further—a cycle that leaves both partners feeling unheard and disconnected.
How to Break the Cycle
Breaking this pattern starts with vulnerability:
Instead of withdrawing, share your feelings, even if it’s hard. Say, “I feel stuck and don’t know how to fix this,” or “I’m scared I’m letting you down.”
Recognize that silence or avoidance, though protective, hurts your connection.
By opening up about your internal experience, you can create space for your partner to see your pain and respond with care.
Bring in Support When Your Relationship Needs It
It can be challenging to shift these patterns without help. Couples therapy, like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), can help both partners understand their roles and create a healthier, more connected relationship.
Learn More About the Pursuer-Withdrawer Dynamic
Curious about the pursuer role? Check out Understand Relationship Patterns (Pt. 1): The Pursuer to explore how these dynamics come together and how both partners can work toward change.