Understand Relationship Patterns(Pt.1): The Pursuer

Are You a Pursuer in Your Relationship?

We all play roles in our relationships, especially during conflict. These roles often come from our need to feel safe and connected. In many romantic partnerships, two common roles emerge: the pursuer and the withdrawer. This post is the first in a two-part series exploring these patterns, starting with the pursuer role. We’ll look at what the pursuer is feeling, why they act the way they do, and how they can begin to repair the relationship.

What Does It Mean to Be a Pursuer?

The terms pursuer and withdrawer come from Dr. Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Understanding these roles can help you see why conflict happens and how it grows. When you’re able to recognize your own patterns and emotions, you’re better equipped to work through arguments and rebuild connection.

Signs You Might Be a Pursuer:

• Do you feel unwanted, disconnected, or abandoned during arguments?

• Do you think things like, “I’m always the one trying to fix things,” or, “I can never get through to my partner”?

• Do you try to solve problems by giving advice, criticizing, or pleading for change?

• Do you believe, “If only my partner would act differently, everything would be better”?

If these sound familiar, you might be playing the role of the pursuer in your relationship.

What’s Really Going On for the Pursuer?

Pursuers often feel:

• Alone

• Unimportant

• Unheard

• Disconnected

• Longing for closeness

To the pursuer, it can feel like they’re the only one who cares enough to try to fix the relationship. They bring up issues, push for solutions, and are even willing to argue if it means their partner will engage. Beneath it all, the pursuer deeply wants to feel connected and reassured by their partner.

Why Do Pursuers Act This Way?

For a pursuer, emotional distance feels unbearable—almost like rejection. Silence or disengagement from their partner can bring up feelings of fear, hurt, and sadness. To avoid this pain, the pursuer tries harder to connect, often by criticizing, demanding, or even yelling.

Unfortunately, these behaviors come from a place of vulnerability but are expressed as frustration or anger. The message they really want their partner to hear is:
"I feel so alone and I need to know you care as much as I do."

Strengths of the Pursuer

Pursuers bring a lot to their relationships. They are often the problem-solvers, communicators, and motivators. They’re usually the ones researching relationship tips, suggesting therapy, and actively working to make things better. Their persistence often keeps the relationship going. These strengths can also show up in other areas of their lives, like parenting or careers.

Where Does This Role Come From?

For many pursuers, the fear of being alone or unheard started in childhood or a past relationship. Those early experiences left emotional wounds that feel all too familiar when similar situations arise in their adult relationships.

To protect themselves, pursuers may have learned to rely on their independence, avoiding the need to depend on others. But in a romantic relationship, this can create tension—they crave closeness yet fear being let down. This inner conflict can lead to frustration, anxiety, and the feeling that they have no choice but to push harder for connection.

How Does Pursuing Affect Your Partner?

When pursuers criticize or demand, their partner—often a withdrawer—can feel:

• Overwhelmed

• Pressured

• Anxious

• Rejected

• Inadequate

• Frustrated

These feelings usually cause the withdrawer to shut down, avoid, or pull away. Unfortunately, this response makes the pursuer feel even more disconnected, creating a painful cycle for both partners.

How to Break the Cycle

The first step to breaking this pattern is to share your feelings from a place of vulnerability. Instead of expressing frustration, try to show your sadness or longing for connection. For example, say, “I feel really lonely and I miss feeling close to you,” rather than criticizing or making demands.

It’s also important to recognize how your behaviors may unintentionally push your partner further away. While your actions come from a place of care, they can hurt the relationship if they’re driven by frustration or anger.

Changing these patterns can be hard, but couples therapy—like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)—can help. EFT is designed to strengthen emotional connection and create a healthier, more supportive relationship.

What’s Next?

Stay tuned for part two of this series, where we’ll explore the withdrawer role and how it fits into this relationship pattern.